Hello Brave Heart,
A year ago this month, I was gearing up to leave for Boston. I had hit a major wall in my life and I was lost. I was so entirely disconnected from myself and I had become afraid of eve-ry-thing. Although I had accomplished major things in my personal growth over the 5 previous years- including, but not limited to: completely changing my relationship to food and my body (fuck yes!), I went to school to become a Health Coach, started my own business (two actually), hosted webinars about self love, learned several new technology platforms (NOT an easy feat for me) and I bought a car- all on my own (another, fuck yea is needed here). These things weren't enough, I still felt like something else was going on deep within that I just wasn't facing. And the fear(s) had taken over.
I was miserable and totally stuck. If you read my blog post from last Summer about why I went to Boston, you'll remember that I had become afraid of everything. I was so stuck in old stories of who I was and what I wasn't capable of, that I just stopped showing up in my life. My answer for almost everything was "no". No, I'm not good enough. No, I can't do that. No way, I'd fuck "it" up, so I better not try.
Looking back, I now see that the fears were representative of my lack of self trust and self assurance.
For so long, I had numbed myself to my real feelings and the deep emotional hurt I had been pushing down for so long. As a result, I had taught myself that I would not be there when I needed my own support most. This taught me to search outside of myself for answers, guidance and approval. I never stopped to think that the things I needed most were to be found within- my own compassion and acceptance.
I was so afraid of turning within and hearing my truths, of facing the anger that had been brewing for years. I had always identified as a "nice girl" that I was utterly panicked about what would happen if I acknowledged that I was actually angry, about a lot of things.
So, instead of facing it all, I took on fears, all kinds. Things to distract me from what really needed to be done-- my own self acknowledgement. I had to show up for myself and tell her that "we" could handle it- whatever "it" was.
Something inside of me screamed, I needed a huge change if I wanted to overcome these fears. So, BOSTON happened.
Day 2 of being in Boston and the tears came and ya know what, for weeks to follow, I cried, a lot. Unlike before, I didn't have my usual numbing mechanisms. For goodness sakes, I didn't know the street names, where to get a cup of coffee or have any comforts around me... everything was new. With that, something came up- I heard my inner voice say:
Feel your feelings!
For so long, I pushed my feelings down. I had distracted myself from all of it out of "self preservation". I was finally ready to FEEL IT ALL. I remember that day, seeing an IG post that said "Embrace it because it's happening." THAT became my motto.
I had such a massive realization right then. I no longer wanted to numb, distract and put off.
I wanted to feel. it. all.
I wanted to reclaim my life as my own and to finally be present for myself.
That decision CHANGED MY LIFE! It started a completely new reality for myself. I was no longer abandoning myself. I was there for her. When I did that, when I showed up for myself, as the support she so desperately longed for, real healing began. Because "we" both knew, it was going to be O.K.
Over this last year, my life has blossomed! I can say that for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. My relationship with Everett has grown into something so magical and my relationship with myself is truly my greatest source of joy and strength. Each day, I see massive growth towards the truest me. Including my current exploration of spirituality, something that used to cause a lot of pain, is now something that brings me great comfort and pleasure.
I realized, that allowing myself to be truly present to what was happening WITHIN, was my greatest power of all. When I turned within, and actually HEARD and ACKNOWLEDGED all the hurt, pain and shame that were buried deep, I found true strength.
It was the sense of love, safety and acceptance, that I was always searching for but always fell short of.
It takes a lot of strength to be present to ourselves. We are constantly operating on the "just get it done, just get by, go-go-go, accomplish" mode, that our feelings are often ignored, silenced or numbed. I promise you though, over time, these feelings (especially sad ones) grow "stinky" and more painful the longer we continue to numb them from our conscious mind.
But my friend, I want to assure you, that method, of ignore & deny, will only work for "so long", before you too are faced with a deafening sense of internal urgency. The pain must be dealt with.
If you want to create a life of true happiness, filled with love, support, compassion, understanding and joy you must be willing to turn within. You must be willing to hear your truth and confront all the deepest darkest feelings that lie within. Don't be afraid of what may come up... for when you finally hear your truth, massive self-liberation happens and you discover a strength that can only be felt when you are truly in support of yourself.
You discover your greatest strength when you choose to support yourself.
Ok, so now you're ready to connect with your inner voice?!?! My #1 tip for doing this is to sit quietly, no distractions (i.e. no phone, you're not driving or doing dishes), and you say to yourself: "Jeni, I want to hear you. I want to know everything. How can I support you?" (of course, swap out my name for yours ;) ) Then, spend as long as you can, I suggest somewhere between 5-20 minutes, quietly breathing, with your eyes closed, if you can stand it. Then, allow. Allow for your truth to come out and tell yourself, no matter what it is, you are there to support her. Her being the part of you that felt too scared to acknowledge your truth in the past.
You are strong, Brave Heart and I promise, you can handle it!
With great LOVE & COMPASSION,
If you're where I was before, struggling to find self compassion and self understanding and you've hit a wall... but you crave a life where you find ease in caring for your body, mind and soul and you get to spend your energy on making some truly cool shit happen; I am here to help! Simply email me: firstname.lastname@example.org and let's set up a time to chat about working together. My heart is ready to support you and I can't wait to be a part of your journey!! So much love. xx